Friendship is Key to have a Successful Marriage
Love is beautiful! I wish that everyone could experience the type of love that makes you feel as if you’re the only person in the world for them. A love that strengthens you, cares for you, comforts you, and corrects you. At one point, love runs low. We feel that the love that once connected us is nowhere to be found. We argue and say harmful things that we can’t take back, we sit on our phones till it’s time to go to sleep, or we get so wrapped up in making sure our children are taken care of that we fail to provide time for our spouse. These, plus many other reasons lead diminished connectivity. In other words, our friendship gets affected as well.
When our love runs low, which it will at some point, we need a strong friendship. Think of the person you consider your best friend. Is that person your spouse? Why not? What’s the difference between your best friend and your spouse? What would it take for you to consider your spouse your best friend? These questions are important because a strong friendship is one of the strong determinants of a happy, healthy, stable marriage. Here I insert the definition of friendship used by Dr. John Gottman, cofounder of the Gottman Institute and Nan Silver. In their book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, they define friendship as the “mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company (p. 21). This friendship is based on keeping each other up to date with each other’s world. They are aware of each other’s dreams, desires, likes, dislikes, what ticks them off, and what excites them. These couples express their appreciation and affection not only in big ways (e.g., gifts,), but in everyday moments (e.g., doing dishes, cooking together). Marriages that have strong friendships possess Positive Sentiment Override (PSO), a term coined by Robert Weiss, a Psychologist of the University of Oregon (p. 22). This means that there’s so much positivity in the marriage that it takes a high degree of negativity to harm it.
Having a strong friendship soften the blows of conflict, lowers our guard to be more vulnerable, and helps us reconcile quicker after disagreements. Whether you are having difficulties, or your marriage is thriving, you can always strengthen your friendship. According to Zach Brittle (2014), a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, you can strengthen your friendship in two ways:
Asking questions
Telling stories
Asking open ended questions and sharing our stories with our spouse helps us deepen our understanding of one another which draws us closer. The stronger your friendship, the greater your chances of growing your marriage. Prioritize your spouse and get to know them on a deeper level. Your spouse is your most important relationship. Treat them like it.
References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. Seven Dials an imprint of Orion Publishing Group Ltd.
Zach Brittle, L. M. H. C. (2018, November 19). F is for friendship. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved September 19, 2021, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/f-is-for-friendship/.